This City

What You Say To Someone Who Loves You Will Stick With Them Forever

It’s cold as hell in here. Most of the windows are shut, I’ve got my hoodie on. I do have shorts on, but still. Cold as hell.

On the worst day of my life, I think our heater was broken, I think. I remember it being cold as hell but I don’t remember why. I think it was the city. They were digging something up and then we didn’t have water, maybe, and we didn’t have the heat on because my mother was trying to save money. So either the water or the heater was broken, and it was the city’s fault, and either way there was no heat.

There were men from the city coming in and out of our house trying to fix the heater or the water or the water heater and the doors were open and I was freezing my ass off. So that sucked. These strange people are in my house and it’s also insanely cold. Great day, right?

My parents must’ve left, dad must’ve had a gig, because when I think back I don’t remember either of them being there to deal with the city people - that’s not to say I dealt with them, because, for the most part, I didn’t, we all left each other alone, but even then, there was no buffer between us.

Who was it? Was it C-A or C-H? It must’ve been C-A. It must’ve been C-A.

When C-H ended it, that was the other worst day of my life. Three weeks is not a long time, but I knew - I fucking KNEW - it was my fault, and that sucked a lot. I got out of school, got on the bus. She wasn’t there. Neither was D-O P. No one I knew was on the bus. Which was fine until we got stuck for four hours and I had no one to talk to.

I called her, at one point, to tell her “fuck you, why aren’t you here to hang out with me?” though I was mostly joking (mostly) and she sort of laughed at the situation and that was that.

She ended it when I got home.

Three weeks is not a long time, but I fucked that one up pretty bad and I still kind of regret it. Even knowing what a cunt she is now, almost two years later (wow, two fucking years, holy shit), I still kind of regret it.

When I was on the bus I think I called C-A, too. The bus incident was a long time after the worst day of my life. It was after she moved.

So I’m on AIM and it’s cold so I put on a sweatshirt that’s way too small for me but it’s all I’ve got, so it’s cold and I’m uncomfortable and tired and getting sick and there are strange men in my house, and I remember feeling crushed. She crushed my hopes. She’d rejected me before, but I’d always thought, you know, “oh, maybe! Maybe…” but no. She fucking crushed that. Crushed it crushed it crushed it. I don’t really remember what she said to me - I know it hurt more than anything, but I don’t remember what she said. I might’ve blocked it out.

I still have the chat logs, somewhere, but I’m scared to go back and look.

She moved, eventually, and then moved back. We’re still friends, but I think I’ll always kind of hate her for that night.